This story discusses suicide. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Amber Smith and her husband, Granger Smith, lived every parent’s worst nightmare in 2019 when their 3-year-old son, River, drowned in the family’s backyard pool.
In the devastating aftermath, Smith found herself collapsing under the weight of grief, trying to comfort her two children while facing cruel comments on social media. Her son Lincoln was 5, and her daughter London was 7 at the time. Granger, a former country singer who is now a minister, almost took his own life. Yet amid the unbearable pain, the couple clung to each other — and to their faith.
GRANGER SMITH’S WIFE SHARES DETAILS OF HIS NEAR-SUICIDE ATTEMPT FOLLOWING SON’S DROWNING
Smith, 43, is now opening up about her journey through heartache and healing in a new memoir, “The Girl on the Bathroom Floor.” Looking back on the darkest time in their lives, Smith told Fox News Digital that their unshakable faith in God kept their marriage from falling apart.
“Our loss definitely tested our marriage,” she said. “[But] at the very beginning, even when River was in the hospital, going in for surgery for his organ donation, my husband and I went out to this healing garden. We looked at each other and said, ‘This is not going to tear our family apart. We’re going to find the good in this. We’re going to choose each other.’”
“We didn’t know what that was going to look like when we came home without our son,” she recalled. “We both grieved very differently. So navigating that was difficult. … We just really had to learn. It was this dance through grief of knowing when to back off, when to lean in, when to pray together and just truly have grace for one another — and grace for our kids.”
WATCH: GRANGER SMITH’S WIFE OPENS UP ABOUT LEANING ON FAITH AFTER LOSING HER SON
Smith admitted it was still difficult to face the unimaginable between prayer and tears. Still, she refused to let grief destroy them.
“We grieved hard, and we grieved separately,” she said. “I grieved in my bathroom, and I know Granger grieved all over the place. … There was a difficult time when my husband almost took his life because of the guilt and the shame and the grief. Thankfully, he didn’t, but we just truly had to lean into each other and lean into the community of our church … and do the best you can.”
“There’s no handbook for grief,” Smith reflected. “But when Granger and I said ‘I do,’ we meant it — for better or for worse. And this was the worst part of our story. We vowed that no matter what came our way, we would fight through it together. And that’s just what we’ve been doing ever since that awful day.”
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In the book, Smith described how visions of River face down in the pool “assaulted” her husband’s thoughts. During “a moment of utter despair,” he “put a cold Glock 9mm into his mouth.”
“I cry even typing this,” she wrote. “It breaks my heart that he felt like this was the only way out. I wish I had known.”
Smith shared that as she broke down behind closed doors — away from her husband and children — she never once blamed God.
“To anyone asking why a loving or good God would allow such heartbreak, I would just point them to the cross,” she said. “God gave His Son for us. He understands our pain. He understands our suffering, and that was for the good of His people. … I know that I can’t always understand the mind of God, and scripture says how unsearchable are His ways, but scripture also says He loves us. He will never forsake us. … I had to trust in that.”
“When those lies were coming in — telling me I was a bad mom, telling me I should have done more — it helped me to go to God’s word,” she continued. “God’s word says every one of our days is numbered. Before the foundation of the world, every one of River’s days was numbered. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t have extended his life any more than he was allotted days on this Earth.”
Since River’s death, Smith and her husband, 44, have used social media to raise awareness about pool and water safety for children. Smith described how users on Instagram would label them irresponsible for not teaching their son to swim. River slipped away from his parents’ sight for only a short moment when tragedy occurred.
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At times, Smith was consumed by guilt, unsure how to live with the feeling that she’d failed her son. Reading similar comments worsened those feelings. Yet even in the darkest times, there were moments of hope.
Smith shared how her church community rallied around her family, offering help with the day-to-day. The family turned to prayer as they united in pain. Smith also turned to stories of other parents in similar circumstances, learning she wasn’t alone. Writing down her story — rather than keeping her feelings bottled up — also helped. The family sold their home and built a new one on their land in Texas, hoping to start anew.
Nearly two months after losing River, Smith belly-laughed for the first time while watching her two children be silly outside in the rain. Guilt came — but this time, she felt stronger.
“I learned through my grief that God is our source of joy,” she said. “Happiness is circumstantial — it goes up and down as life happens. But when you have true joy in Christ, you know that you can have joy, no matter what you’re going through or facing in life.”
In 2021, Smith and her husband welcomed a son, Maverick Beckham Smith.
“He’s never a replacement for River, but he’s this beautiful new chapter of the story that God is writing,” said Smith. “I knew, because we lost a son to drowning, that I would have to put Maverick in early swim lessons because it was just too late for River.
“I put Maverick in lessons at 8 months old. It was really difficult watching him struggle and try to find air because all I could think about was what River went through — how he was probably struggling and trying to find air.”
“But it was also so empowering to see him be able to float and find that air,” she said, fighting back tears. “Now he’s 4 years old. He’s been through three or four different sets of lessons. Now he jumps in and swims across the pool. I still think about River as he’s swimming, but I feel such confidence now that he has the skills he needs to survive should anything ever happen.”
“I wish I had known because I would’ve put River in those lessons a lot sooner,” she said. “But now we know what we know — and we do better with what we know.”
Today, Smith hopes her memoir gives other grieving parents hope.
“You cannot do this without the Lord,” she said. “You cannot make it through the hard things in this life. Life is hard, but it’s even harder without Christ.”
